How I Came to Have a Crush on Autumn: All the Colors Along this Long, Long Way

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This fall has been an incredible time. It’s been perhaps one of the most intense past three months I could have ever imagined. Since becoming half-sedentary, starting a new job, and experiencing lots of other things along the way, I’ve been through a turmoil of emotions and reality checks. While most of the year has been about a new awakening, dreaming many dreams, and accomplishing a lot of travel, this time of year was meant to draw me towards the beauty and calm of things here in New York. I want to share so much with you but I see that it cannot be done all at once. There are so many posts waiting, so many thoughts to be written down. One step at a time, one idea after another. There will be many autumnal posts waiting because a good amount of my time has been spent among the colorful leaves of this beautiful, changing season. Only that this time, I was able to document it a bit better.
Just like last year, I’ve explored a more and more of Central Park. Unlike last year, I was able to do a hike in upstate New York during one of the most magical weeks I could have imagined. Redeeming many memberships for the NYC ID has also proven to be equally satisfying.

Central Park Mall in full bloom
Central Park Mall in full bloom

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On the last day of November, I am cruelly reminded that things are slowly coming to an end. If you can call it that. It’s been one of the rare occasions on which I am already wearing a winter jacket and feeling the cold of the winter creeping up on me – and perhaps life in general. This month has been one of the most challenging and perhaps saddest of the past year. Death, rejection, hurt, anger, fear, worry, doubts – they’ve all piled up in a continuous way until one day I could not imagine what else there would be. The intensity left me wondering if there would ever be a shining light waiting around for me. To take me out of this deep, dark sea of unhappy emotions and happenings. And yet, there have been so many loveable moments. A small Thanksgiving with friends, a great yoga experience, nature – ultimate nature – and hope – hope for so many good times.

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Autumn – it’s become one of my favorite seasons of the year. I had always wondered why I was never particularly drawn to it back in Germany. I love the rain but eventually it gets old. Until my coworker reminded me of something I had almost forgotten. Where I grew up, mostly pine trees and all-year-round greens tend to make out the overall scenery. Here, however, you have all the colors you could imagine to draw out a picture-perfect fall season. From green over yellow to gold, red, and pink: I could have not come up a better way to swing from summer into now and not feel ultimately left in the dark. Not only do we have all the colors you could wish for, but we also have relatively warm weather until the end of October. This year, however, we have been exceptionally lucky. Up until last week, I was able to walk around in a light jacket because temperatures were still in the high 60ies (quite exceptional indeed). A long Indian Summer mixed with over-saturated trees – you can imagine how happy my heart felt when walking through the parks or along the streets of beautiful Park Slope. I’ve even went out and took some self-portraits – something I hadn’t done in an eternity.

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By winter entering the picture, I am regressing back to my sentiments of about 8 months ago, when winter was fading. How I had actually come to love this season and accomplished so much photography during the snowy, frosty, windy time. I am hoping to get back to it in those spirits and am welcoming the change in climate. It’s the only way to survive the next few months and to feel happy about the upcoming season.

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The truth is: Once you’ve been through such intensity, it’s hard to go back to who you were before. I am grateful for all the things I’ve learned along the long, stony way of self-discovery. All the hurt has turned out to be worth it after all, as heart-broken as it may sound. This has been truly a rocky road of letting go and accepting that sometimes some things are not meant to be. And that no matter how bad I want it, it all happens for a very good reason. To be found out much later… So I am back to embracing life full-on with wide arms and an open heart!

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One thought on “How I Came to Have a Crush on Autumn: All the Colors Along this Long, Long Way

  1. You most certainly have been on a journey it sounds like. I can even “hear” a deepening wisdom in your writing and your words here. I can feel the sense of strength and steadiness that you are discovering, and that, even as life swirls intensely around you, you remain grounded and calm. I cannot wait to see and hear more about your experiences and thoughts. Much love to you. xoxo

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